It’s a 30-minute drive to church. There is plenty of time to share ideas with each other. Today I was thinking about several things. I like to have an idea or two that I am thinking about. One of them was that almost everything decision that I make is based on how it makes me feel. I wondered if that is as true for other people.
And there were several ideas from Matthew Fray’s book How Your Marriage Ends.
Some men intentionally do things to hurt their wives. That is psychopathic behavior. Matthew recommends getting out of those marriages as fast as you can. And there are well intentioned, pure hearted, good men that unintentionally hurt their wives. And the end result may be the same. The marriage ends because the wife does not feel safe and loved. The second kind of ending just takes longer and hurts more.
Another idea from Fray’s book is the importance of knowing what makes your wife joyful and what makes her sad. The premise is that men that know their wives well tend to hurt them less. Unintentional hurts happen less when a man knows his wife well.
So Phyllis put me on the spot and asked me if I knew what made her sad. I was able to come up with several things that felt on target. When I was done she said, “That’s good to know.” I am pretty sure that she was being funny, like what I shared was new revelation for her. It also felt like, “I am glad to know that you have some idea after four decades of marriage.”
I talked a lot on the way to church today. There were so many thoughtful ideas bouncing around in my head that needed to be discussed.
Then we pulled into the church parking lot. Discussion time ended.
With 100% complete cuteness, pure-heartedness, and in an amused tone she said, “I hope you have not used all of your words for today and that you saved some to use with your friends.” That made me chuckle. And it was a humorous reminder that it’s important to not dominate the conversation. It’s healthy and kind to respect each other by asking questions and listening carefully. It was undeniably clear that most of the words that were spoken on the way to church today were said by me. Yikes! Note to self. Listen more. Take my own relationship advice to listen more than I talk.
Then I asked, “What if I was a quiet person that never spoke?” She laughed out loud. She added, “Then you would be me.” I need to probe that some more. Am I overwhelming her with an avalanche of my thoughts and words? There are certainly times that I do that. I need to not take advantage of her kind and generous listening. Sometimes I just need to quiet my own mind and focus on hearing her heart. That’s a fact. More listening is almost never the wrong choice.
Then we went to church. It was the typical wonderful Grace Center experience. Great worship. Solid message. Connecting with friends and hugging their necks. Warm talks with several good friends after church. Oh I love that a lot.
On the way home I was intentionally trying not to talk so much. Several minutes of total solitude went by with the only sound being the tires on the pavement. I said, “Sure is quiet.” I looked at sweet baby. She got that super cute playful look on her face that makes me smile and love her even more. She responded, “Sure is nice.” We both had a hearty chuckle. Then I asked, “When it is quiet in the car, what are you thinking about?” She said, “Green trees. Yellow flowers. The way the wind blows the leafs on the trees. I like quiet.” The things a man can learn about his wife when he is not talking.