In our ministry weeks we spent about 2 hours asking each person about their life to help us to understand their story and to get direction for our time together. We have spent about 1200 hours asking people questions about their life in the time that we have been doing personal ministry.
It seems that we should have learned something in that time.
Everyone has a story to share. If you approach them with an honoring curiosity, people often will typically open up and share. That is true during ministry and with people that I just met at the grocery store. I have experienced some nice connections with strangers. That happens a lot. I joke that I like to reminisce with people that I don’t know. And there is a certain truth to it. People will tell you good stories if you demonstrate an interest in them.
A tall slender slightly bent over wrinkled woman in her 80’s that I met her in a grocery store checkout line in Colorado Springs told me wonderful things about skiing in Colorado 60 years ago before Aspen, Vail and the immense popularity of skiing in Colorado. Back when Colorado was much simpler. She told me some magnificent stories about that. We had a magical conversation about growing up in the Rocky Mountains in the 1960’s. It was a meaningful and fun connection. Just like we had been long time friends.
I think the blessing from spending hundreds of hours asking people questions is that I can often quickly connect with people. Within a couple of minutes, they are comfortable responding to my curiosity. My favorite thing is a nice conversation where our hearts connect and we each talk about our lives. It’s why I married my sweet wife. She was the only person that I ever met that I could talk to for hours and not run out of interesting things to talk about. It was at the end of a several hour conversations that I told her I thought we would get wrinkles together. And we have. And we have nice conversations over coffee each morning. It’s still magical.
I am trying to put good descriptive words to this idea of going deeply with people. I want people to feel comfortable and safe sharing their stories. I am mesmerized when people feel comfortable talking about themselves.
I am not sure what it is that makes that possible, but I know that it is super valuable.
I am trying to explain this connection thing without it seeming like it’s all about me. I think it’s about people feeling valuable and heard. If people sense that I truly value what they have to say and that I will listen carefully to their answers, they will share more about themselves. If then I validate what they said and ask a thoughtful next question, then we can begin to go deeper.
Here are some examples about things to say to validate people.
• You have been through a lot.
• I can see why you feel like you do.
• It’s surprising that you even survived that.
• I get why you might be disappointed or angry.
• That is a scary story.
• That sounds really frustrating.
• I honor your bravery to even share that story.
I have heard myself say, “It sounds like you have lived an interesting life. Do you feel comfortable telling me some more of your story?” And the truth is that everyone has lived an interesting life and has good stories to tell. And most people want to share them. And some have never told their story. But they might if we listen well.
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